disconnect

it's operating on auto pilot, no one is at the helm. the captain is not in sight. we're just hoping she didn't jump ship. oh but the other day there was singing, inspite of stormy waters. so why the change today, why the disconnect?

    for a more open explanation...I often fight battles over myself, and today I was losing. it has a great deal to do with trust, and you know I'm brilliant at hide and go seek. the plain truth of it is, for someone who values sincerity so much, I have daily struggles right now, during which I seem to say or do, not what I think or feel, but what comes easiest in the moment. I hate the auto pilot. It's a way to get by without the uncomfortableness that sincerity would bring on. But I don't like it. Bluntly, I hate/loathe/despise it. Clearly it's made a place in me because I've let it. Clearly I'm using this as some kind of coping mechanism. But it's a cage, and I need more faith to walk openly. It takes a lot of faith. And faith is a choice. Open hearts are so easy to hurt. But that is just how I'd rather be. I'd rather be honest, and sensitive, than a mask, or shell, or emulation. Deep under it all I'm living, breathing, feeling and thinking. It's easier to appear shallow, so now one tries to shove you under. There is a lot of that.  But I am not what I seem. And I'd rather not be. Really, what scares me most is the possibility that I am in fact slowly becoming what I seem to be. Aren't we defined by our actions? And every missionary knows that if there is a disparity between a person's beliefs and behavior one of them must change. Well the choice is mine and I make it.  I will be what I am, which is better than what I appear. 

No more hide and go seek. No more disconnect.