20 Minutes

That's what the man said. "Every life deserves more than twenty minutes."

I read I Am the Messenger  last year. The biggest thing I took from it? What if I took the time to look at a life and find what it was I was supposed to do for them? What would my life be like? What would your life be like?

I studied the 7 deadly sins recently. Why such a morose subject? Because I saw something. Gluttony, Greed, Envy, Lust, Pride, Sloth, and Wrath. Those are all about self. God's greatest commandments? To love God, and to love thy neighbor. You keep your heart to yourself and it will shrivel up. Hearts are muscles built through use. To have strength of heart... you know the root of the word courage is the french coeur. ( Incidently valiance has a wee bit to do with strength)

I recognize the threads aren't drawing together yet. I like to mull things over.

Broken Part 2

I never really finished that thought. You see, I occasionally feel a little broken. That's just part of life. But someone once told me that weak things, like marble, are more easily molded into beautiful things. Trust Him, and carry on.

Broken

I've been thinking about feeling broken. I reread Sister Hollands part in the speech the Inconvenient Messiah (imbedded in a previous post, have a fun easter egg hunt) and she quoted a man on his statements of God's use of broken things. Well that man was named Vance Havner, and he said some pretty cool things.

      He said

It is a mark of the unyielded self to argue the case, to try to explain, to justify oneself. 

 Oh, I know that's been me all too often 

'For rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft, and stubbornness is as iniquity and idolatry.'' We do not classify stubbornness with iniquity and idolatry, but God does! He says, ''I will instruct thee and teach thee in the way which thou shalt go: I will guide thee with mine eye. Be ye not as the horse, or as the mule,which have no understanding: whose mouth must be held in with bit and

bridle, lest they come near unto thee'' (Ps. 32:8, 9). We are frequently compared to various animals in the Scriptures, and some of the comparisons are not very complimentary! God wanted to instruct Saul in the way he should go and guide him with His eye, but Saul was as stubborn as a mule. Someone has said that a mule is always backward about going forward. Certainly Saul would not be guided by the will of God.

Stubbornness. We must bend ourselves to God's will. It is best. It is always best. I've learned that lesson the hard way, and I don't want to make Him try to teach it to me again. Learn the lesson the first time and let it stick. 

I want to be a soul guided by God. I want to repent. 

Looking Up

Got nothing much to say about it, just don't let it get you down.

One of Those Women

One of my favorite films is Exodus with Eva Marie Saint. I think she was a lovely woman, gracious and graceful. Someone once described me with those words and I don't think I'd ever felt so complimented because it's what I'd like to be. I know a few women who remind me of this. It shines out of them in every way, from their carriage and expression, to they way they treat perfect strangers and dearest friends.

 More than anything because of the quoting of this
"I shouldn't want you to become one of those  women who drift through life, 'Fair to no purpose, artful to no end, young without lovers, old without a friend.'...Places don't mean anything, only people are important."

Life brings lessons, and occasionally I need a refresher course. 

So 

-willing to sacrifice

-loving and caring (there may be a valuable distinction there)

-gracious to others (That deserves an essay for gracious can be giving, forgiving, understanding, empathetic, genuine or... un-judging. How frustrating that the only direct antonym for judgemental is uncritical. I think there ought to be a word for it. My family often uses unassuming in it's place. I like that description and the meaning we attach to it. Not only modesty, (not assuming honors to oneself) but also not assuming faults or falsehood in others as well. 

-forgiving of self. (Sometimes we make a drama of our own mistakes, carrying them out in a way which lowers ourselves further, prevents us from helping others, and sometimes exhausting the emotional resources of others. 

Grey

Violet and gold.  Perhaps pain truly can bring out the best and most beautiful at times. Not the self inflicted, nor the self indulgent, but pain that must naturally flow. There in that struggle some of the brightest lights shine. 

Resilient.

Sometimes we forget that we are all just people. The crowd is clamorous and strange, yes, when taken as a crowd. And we hardly behave the same way in all circumstances. One adjusts, finds their peace. But crowds are made of individuals. "Every person's life is worth more than 20 minutes." 

So don't fear the crowd, and don't cast them unkind. 

They're just people as you and I. 

Home

It's just better here.

Summertime here we come.

Meant to Be's

I don't believe in it. Truthfully. I don't know that I ever have. nah. Can't happen. But I'm known for being faithless. Sure, not to any of the suckers around here. But God knows my soul. And it's not worth pesos. 

I see others composing themselves, stabilizing with that phrase, "If it's meant to be..." Meant to be? Who means it?

If all that is, is meant to be? Well fine. I'm meant to be lost. Believe it. 

But that's okay. I like to wander in the woods. And my Brothers know the ways that I take. Even when I don't. 

But you and your meant to be's? No. You can suck it.   

  I'm road tripping.

"Faith is a Gift"

You know, it's interesting the way God guides you, or teaches you, or comforts you, or reminds you, or makes you. 

For instance last night a sad thought and the rain weren't enough to turn me around. After all I'm stubborn. You know what turned me? The thought, "Why are you doing this? Wouldn't you rather be where there are people who love you?"  And back I went, to nestle my head on the shoulder of a friend, and spend my night on a couch.

Which brings me to another point of significance:
 Couches are the best place to sleep.

Be it cold leather, scratchy plaid, smooth grandma floral, or good ol' hide-a-bed, I want to be on the couch.
The Couch means there is family come home to visit.
The Couch means I'm come to visit my family.
The Couch means I'm crashing at a friends.
The Couch will one day mean we had a fight, but in spite of differences where you are is my home, so if you're sleeping on the couch, can I come too?

The Couch means Love. 

But on we must go. I woke to the birds chirping, soft light through curtains, the snug couch at my back, the smell of house plants, and the feel of an old town house. Took me 10 minutes to realize it felt like a little paradise I knew from an exchange down south. ...Islanders and Orange Blossoms.

But all that, and summoning my courage to go alone places full of uncertainty, led me to the right person. A person just suited to teach me. I heard of her a month ago, as an example to help, and then unexpectedly she is the person I'm sent to for answers. We have the same friends, we have the opposite backgrounds with the shared experiences. Questions. Answers. Tangents. Laughter. Understanding.

Best of all the message:

Our God is a Merciful God. 

Well that He is.

He is our God. 

And He is full of Love and Mercy.

  

So yeah, faith is a gift.

Let Joy Be the Theme of Your Song

Here it comes again, just at the right time every year. 

God gave reason to have a holiday. It's kept every year, to thank Him for life, and I used to say to show him that I will use it well. But perhaps it's better to say to remind me to use it well.

Give love. As sister, daughter, lover, stranger, friend. And of course auntie. Give love. 

Dance through life as a melody, and let joy be the theme of your song. 

Snowfall is Magic and Wonder

Another Thought On Compassion

"Oh, you who are! Ecclesiastes calls you the All-powerful; the Maccabees call you the Creator; the Epistle to the Ephesians calls you Liberty; Baruch call you Immensity; the Psalms call you Wisdom and Truth; John calls you calls you Light; the Books of Kings call you Lord; Exodus calls you Providence; Leviticus, Sanctity; Esdras, Justice; the creation calls you God; man calls you Father; but Solomon calls you Compassion, and that is the most beautiful of all your names."

Victor Hugo's Les Misérables

...just something to add to pool of thought.

Truthfully

I'm doing much more better. 

I was given opportunity this evening to think about light. ...and Light. 

"The light of the body is the eye: if therefore thine eye be single, thy whole body shall be full of light."

Lets review my list of life goals: be like a light bulb, be like a firefly, be like my sister, move to California, be like a sunflower, be like Venus. 

I still want to be a light. I know I'm no good at generating my own light, lets face it. I just don't have fusion down kids. I lack the mass! But, Gargamel, I sure want to soak it all up. Did you know our sun is secretly rather green? Well it peaks there. Nice isn't it? But as much as I love green and all the green living things of the world I'm off the topic again. (of a truth it was of a purpose)

In brief and sincerity I am not nearly so worried any longer about my doubts. those will work themselves out over time. I do not know how to resolve them all, but I know the Lord does and I will place these in His most precious hands for now. Instead I'll be spending my time on Light. I can do nothing better. I know I can't generate it, but I hope, in a small way to reflect it. 

And lastly, no matter who you are friend, please know there is a Savior who loves you and wants to light your way.  

Blessings

God always knows what's going down. That's an in-eloquent way of putting it, but its the plain truth. 

Loving Kindness And Compassion

I threw away the most important essay of my life.

R e s p o n s e   t o   t h e   D o s t o e v s k y   L e c t u r e   J a n u a r y   3 0 ,   2 0 0 9 

The definition Dr. Kelly gave for compassion:
to suffer  someone else's burden with them until the burden is lifted.

  How  is  this  done?  Does  it  help?  Can  it  be  done  effectively? 

Especially   pertaining  to  the  burden  of  guilt.  It  is  not  a  physical  burden,  though  it  can  affect  us physically.  It  cannot  be  physically  lifted.  It  is  an  emotional,   mental,  and   spiritual   burden.  If  I take on  someone  else's  emotional/mental  burden,  will  it  actually  lighten  their  load?  Or  will  there  now  be  two  people  and  thus  twice  the  burden? Are  emotional  and  mental  burdens  tangible, do  they  have some  unrecognized  substance?  I  don't  know.

But  what  of  the  spiritual  aspect?  I  hate  to  separate  it  out,  because  it  is  so  intertwined  with  the  emotional,  mental  and  even   physical   (again   the   spiritual   burden   can   affect   us   physically).   But   I   think   there   is   something   special   about   a   spiritual   burden.   Because   Christ,   in   His   compassion,   took   on   our   spiritual   burdens. 

 Is   His   compassion   more   powerful   than   mine?        
  - undoubtedly 

 Can   my   compassion   provide   a   small   version   of   the   relief   that   His   brings?  
  -   I   don't   know. 

 Can   my   compassion   for   a   soul   make   a   difference?   Perhaps   my   compassion   is   similar   to   my   light   or   my   love.  The   reason   there   is   power   in   my   love   is   because   that   love   is   given   me   of   Christ.   I   can   shine   light   into   someones   life,   because   Christ   is   the   source   of   that   light,   all   light.   

 So   if   my   compassion   stems   from   Christ's   compassion,   it   is   a   small   particle   of   His   compassion.   Even   just   a   tiny   particle   of   that   pure,   true   compassion,  there   could   be,   would   be,   great   power    in   that   particle.   If   its   source  is  Christ   then,  small   as   it  is,   the   potential   to   work   good,   bring   comfort,   relief   and   peace   is   there!  Not  only   there,   but   strong!   Vast!   Deep. 

 If   I   pull   from   that   source . . . what   could   be   done!   So   much,   if   this   is  true.   Pull   compassion  from   a   connection   to   Christ.   We  must   be  connect   to   Him!  This   is   the   light   of   Christ!   Summon   compassion,    patience,   love,   virtue,   charity!   How   do   I   tap   in?   Prayer.   Something   in   my   soul.  The  Holy   Ghost  must   aid. 

 Maybe ,  most   likely   I   cannot   remove   or   lift   a   burden ,   another's   or   my   own .   I   suspect   only   Christ   can   do   that .   But   I   am   beginning   to   believe   that   I   can,   somehow,   lighten   someone   else's   suffering,   ease   their   burden .   Bring   hope . 

"People are unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered.
Love them anyway.
If you do good, people may accuse you of selfish motives. 

Do good anyway. 

If you are successful, you may win false friends and true enemies. 

Succeed anyway.

The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.
Honesty and transparency make you vulnerable.

 Be honest and transparent anyway. 

What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight. 

Build anyway. 

People who really want help may attack you if you help them. 

Help them anyway. 

Give the world the best you have and you may get hurt. 

Give the world your best anyway."

Mother Theresa

Something Sweet

I admit it.  I only post here when I feel I have something beautiful to say. And in fear and scrambles I hold back my thoughts from even the best of friends. But once a sadness is wearing off, once temporary, purposed numbness retreats, the world holds no dangers. For what can you lose when you've already lost it? But it's terribly freeing. Except that when it counted you couldn't be yourself. Wasted days of shydom and empty headedness. Ironic that your mind was so full, and your heart. But you're free, so you'd better blaze that trail between heart head and habit while you can, before you find another reason to clam up again. 

There is a green place, by the river in my dreams, where I never even think of who I am.