New

Fresh, curious, playful, excited, energetic. People new to this world have the best approach to life.

The Sunshine

I've been thinking about the colors. It happens more in the winter with me. I'm craving those blues and greens, yellow, oranges, purples, dark browns. Wonderful. 

Don't misunderstand, I'm looking forward to winter with all my usual vigor. Christmas keeps me cheerful all year long. But I've got summer in my soul kids. 

I think it's staggering, and a bit overwhelming, all the chances we have to find joy in life. I know it's got hardships a plenty for everyone. But I'm not about to forget my colors. 

More what I'm trying to say is, there's so much good to put into your life. Art, music, games, rhythm, laughter, flowers, fall leaves, new acquaintances, old friends, water, dance, cousins, comics,  prayer, parents.

That doesn't even scratch it. 

God places hope in your life so you can find it. don't push Him away. keep praying, Hope comes from knowing and understanding Him.

"I'm bleeding, making me the victor!"

Really kids, I've gotten essentially nothing done during the past two days. 

Yes, there was some teaching, and some learning, a little sewing, a fair amount of work. But nothing that feels concrete. And certainly not as much as I ought. You know when you have that dream where someone terrifying is chasing you down 

(like Arnold Schwarzenegger) 

and your legs feel numb, like limbs made of jell-o? Flail those jiggly legs with all your might but you can't seem to make contact with the ground, and suddenly gravity is pulling the rest of you down and try though you might you just aren't going to get anywhere until you wake up and realize you're kicking the air. 

Well this week the air-kick is my specialty move. 

"Face to fist style, how'd you like it?"

On a much better, less jell-o-ish note, my cousins rock.

They also rock at doing handstands. If it's been a while since you've enjoyed a good handstand go find the love of your life, marry her, and by golly get a little help with being steady. Everything in life is better when you know you've got someone standing behind you, there to catch your feet.

Make it good son.

I'm a river sort of person.

If it were breathable, I'd prefer water to air.

aggravat

to make it worse, more dangerous.  once described as an august wind. they're hot, full of smoke, fire, blowing those massive thunderstorms. it's the kind that start the fires. didn't think the rains could start a fire like that did you? honey you're the catalyst of conflict. but I'm only speaking to myself on this one. still you'd know that, wouldn't you. not a question.

yeah, you're in over your head. so what? you won't make it unless you learn to swim. and on a planet of this composition, well learn baby, or drown. you're more than your surface too. if you're not, don't waste the time. there is too much to a person to feel them out in five minutes... or five years.  you're not going to know what you're standing on, till it stands back up to meet you. when it does, best of luck. it's raining out kiddies, yeah, despite the glare.

Dear Michelle,
       Come Home.
              So much love,
                             holly marie
Ps. I understand that you can't. It just needed to be said.

Communication is not this hard. But I with a thousand words I'll never say it.

cents

Ahhh, change. Keep it in your pocket and your coin purse. Or do you give the cashier a "keep the change"? Or leave the penny in the parking lot? What? No, not so. Didn't your Grandmother tell you, "Find a penny, pick it up, the rest of the day you'll have good luck." Well mine sure did. So don't leave change lying on the ground, you're passing up an opportunity. Take up change. You'll find a better day and a better you, if you'll just embrace change. 

   Nah, but really. Sometimes it's time to change. It takes so much work, to embrace the good in your nature, and fight years of habit. You need forge new habits day by day. It's easy to say, and difficult to carry out. Oh avoid the adoption of the bad, and seek to remove it at it's earliest stages. Because it's like trying to fill the canyon cut by a river, and create a new course.

   But keep at it. After all, a kid named Billy built a mountain the other decade. And that looked to me to be something worth the work. Yeah, we all need help, but that's there too. And mistakes are made, repeatedly. But better to keep trying, than succumb to that mistake in permanence. So keep digging and don't give up on yourself.

disconnect

it's operating on auto pilot, no one is at the helm. the captain is not in sight. we're just hoping she didn't jump ship. oh but the other day there was singing, inspite of stormy waters. so why the change today, why the disconnect?

    for a more open explanation...I often fight battles over myself, and today I was losing. it has a great deal to do with trust, and you know I'm brilliant at hide and go seek. the plain truth of it is, for someone who values sincerity so much, I have daily struggles right now, during which I seem to say or do, not what I think or feel, but what comes easiest in the moment. I hate the auto pilot. It's a way to get by without the uncomfortableness that sincerity would bring on. But I don't like it. Bluntly, I hate/loathe/despise it. Clearly it's made a place in me because I've let it. Clearly I'm using this as some kind of coping mechanism. But it's a cage, and I need more faith to walk openly. It takes a lot of faith. And faith is a choice. Open hearts are so easy to hurt. But that is just how I'd rather be. I'd rather be honest, and sensitive, than a mask, or shell, or emulation. Deep under it all I'm living, breathing, feeling and thinking. It's easier to appear shallow, so now one tries to shove you under. There is a lot of that.  But I am not what I seem. And I'd rather not be. Really, what scares me most is the possibility that I am in fact slowly becoming what I seem to be. Aren't we defined by our actions? And every missionary knows that if there is a disparity between a person's beliefs and behavior one of them must change. Well the choice is mine and I make it.  I will be what I am, which is better than what I appear. 

No more hide and go seek. No more disconnect.